I swear I have never felt so utterly horrible as I did that morning. I'm 48 (just) years old and it’s the first time I have EVER passed out anywhere other than in my or some gay friend's bed. I always take my make up off and felt so embarrassed to have that hideous moment on camera. I do think Trin over re acted a bit as she knows I handle hangovers brilliantly, but then Andy was a car crash. In retrospect however Trin was right to be furious because this pilot is hugely important to us and Andy is our golden egg. Me and my enthusiasm for a good time, scrambled him into a mess and I must take responsibility for that. The worst thing of all was that he threw up in her car. We caught most of it in a Selfridges carrier bag, but still it wasn't very nice for her. On a good note, what do you think about Andy and Gemma???!!! I am so happy for them and didn't even mind that they shagged in my bed. Thank God I did pass out on the sun lounger because if it had been the three of us I do believe that would have pushed Trinny over the edge. Onwards and upwards I say.
Today started off as really rather boring. Well, boring for me as I hung around the house – whilst Gemma and her crush Andy got cosy over his CV. What a sexy way to bond..? Of course I chipped in with my advice too, after all, I did once work for Harrods so I have plenty of valuable experience. Meanwhile, Trinny was back in London to a) have her bottom slapped and b) meet up with Toby for dinner.
The thing with Trin is that she just can’t abide wimps – or at least, people she thinks are wimps. I have plenty of time for Toby, I mean sure his methods are questionable and he regularly humiliates the pair of us beyond all recognition, but he has at least managed to score us this pilot. This dinner is the one opportunity for him to prove to Trinny that he’s not a complete waste of time, and for her to get over that weird thing she has about short men….
As we’re filming the pilot properly tomorrow I was under strictest instruction to keep Andy out of harms way…and I did…until I opened the first bottle of wine and invited a few friends over for a quiet get together…
At least the Trinny and Toby discussion session went to plan…
This was a day that started well. Things were beginning to look up! We had our lovely Andy and set to work to scrub him up. True he needed a bucket of spit and a vat of polish, but the boys at Tony and Guy did a brilliant job with his hair and furry face, clean shaven and with a slick new hair-do, we were really chuffed with the new suited Andy. It's quite clear that Gem has a crush on him. I am totally relieved, because the poor girl hasn't been laid for over 2 years. The last time was with the blacksmith. I know this a) because we tell each other everything and b) I caught them having it away in the manger of my horse Betty's stable. I'm digressing into fond memories of happier days.
Andy has been out of work for a long time, well he's never really had a proper job so Trin and I got our pr friend Carlo to give some work experience to buoy his confidence....nothing too challenging....just standing at the door of a shop launch. He was pathetic and humiliated himself to the point of running away. Literally legged it. Thank heavens for Gemma's crush. She found him in a back alley and persuaded him to carry on with his professional overhaul which means Trinny and I still have a chance of getting our own careers back on the rails. Not sure I'm too happy about having him to stay, though. I don't even know the guy. He might be a serial killer in student clothing or a cat burglar whose going to nick all our silver....Better bloody not as I might have to sell it to pay my next tax bill.
God this was the most cack handed ridiculous 'casting' day. Toby, in his inimitable wisdom decided to hire an open tourist bus to find our candidate for 'Get A Leg Up With T&S'. At first we thought ok but then once again Toby f***ed up. The banner that he got printed for the side of the vehicle said 'Find a new carer, with Trinny and Susannah' as opposed to CAREER. It was mortifying because many members of the public were hugely offended, thinking that we were taking the piss out of the aged or mentally impaired. It was really hard trying to find the right candidate to take part in the pilot. We know how important this casting was and Toby kept thrusting forward people who either didn't need a job or who tourists who wanted a free ride around London. Loads of paparazzi took pictures of us looking like idiots with megaphones trying to recruit someone. It was only at the end of the day after a poor guy ran into the back of the bus on his bike that are pursuit was saved. Not too badly hurt and quite handsome the accident victim turned out to be a guy called Andy, who thank God was jobless and willing to take part in our new project.
We were so unbelievably nervous about meeting Clodagh. We've done a hundred of these meetings before but never when we've felt quite so much on the back foot. Cloadagh's never commissioned us so it sort of feels like a long shot... especially as Toby is involved. We couldn't even prepare because he hadn't found out what the pilot was for. Anyway, the format turned out to be pretty interesting and incredibly topical. I think we could do an amazing job on it if we get the chance but it doesn't look like we will seeing as Vanessa bloody Feltz seems to be up for the same gig. We passed her on the way out- with Leonard. F*cking creep! It took him 5 minutes to find new talent and it just had to be her. Of all the people. It's as if he methodically went through everyone in his stupid phone and chose the one person likely to cause us the most embarrassment. And if that wasn't bad enough he saw us with Toby, who next to Leonard looks like a sixth former on work experience. Fabulous
Slightly buoyed at the prospect of doing Vanessa Feltz’s show today. She’s always been pretty supportive in the past and it’s good promotion for us to get back on a decent show. Sadly and as i’ve come to expect when Toby is involved, it didn’t go quite to plan. Unbeknownst to us the f***ing moron, had in his endless wisdom put the footage from that disastrous day on youtube. It was the final straw and if I’d had a knife at the time I would now be facing a life sentence. Oddly enough, the other thing I’ve come to expect from Toby is his ability to survive unscathed from even the most disastrous situation and right on cue he was saved by a miracle.
We were already nervous about going to Ascot with Toby. He has a way of behaving that can be a little off putting to some people and he keeps going on and on about the stupid format we came up with at the focus group- ‘Walking Tall with Trinny and Susannah.” When we found out that he was planning to make us make over Jockeys all our worst fears were realised. We know a lot of people at Ascot and we could feel their embarrassment as they saw Toby dig us deeper and deeper into mortification. The final straw came when we actually found some Jockeys willing to take part in our ridiculous pilot only to discover that Toby had only brought children’s clothes to dress them in. Our humiliation was now complete.
Just when we thought things couldn't get any worse along came today....Toby told us that he had arranged a focus group to see what the public thought of us and where we should go next. Potentially a very good idea; get some objective advice, check out the zeitgeist, make some changes. If only we’d known. I began to get a sinking feeling when he directed us out of town but I assured myself that we were probably heading to some sort of country manor or a chic boutique hotel. Then we arrived at what can only have been described as a hovel. I couldn’t quite believe this was where he had chosen. We watched a live stream of the focus group from the comparative safety of our flea bitten motel room. Without knowing we were there, the group let rip and Susannah got very upset by some of the comments. We eventually barged into the room to the surprise of everyone and joined in on the debate. Two hours later we emerged with slightly bruised prides and a somewhat ropey format idea. Was it a constructive day out? I think not. But I do know is that for a 2 star motel they had exceptionally good ham and cheese croissants.
We spent the morning meeting with agents that we wouldn’t have given the time of day to a few years ago. They got progressively lower rent and yet not one of them would take us on. Not one. They all talked about our ‘incredible careers’ and then refused to have anything else to do with us.
I hadn’t realised just how long the arm of Leonard crake was or how bad things had got...
We eventually met an ‘agent’ called Toby and as soon as I saw him I nearly turned around and ran straight back out again. He was about 12 but that was by no means the worst thing about him. Rarely have I heard anyone talk such rubbish and he was really... intense. But there we were, without an agent and running out of options. Susannah of course loved him. She would. He was enthusiastic and cute. I don't think she could decide whether to hire or adopt him. I'm not sure which would be worse but we ended up hiring him.
What have we done?